and to think i was doing such a good job:
my dream life has become a repository for anxiety. i’m always running late for something. i always stray from my responsibilities. i always assume everything will be fine when all evidence is to the contrary. and i’m always out of time. i wake up tangled in the sheets, convinced that i’m really as screwed as i imagine in my sleep.
last night it was a day trip to somewhere you couldn’t get in a day, some college with buildings all covered with beautiful crystals. we rearended a taxicab, and then i missed my bus. i felt like i was drowning in a rush-hour mob, on foot in the street in heavy traffic, separated from everyone i’d been with. it was urgent that i get home by dinnertime. i wasn’t going to get home by dinnertime.
yes, today started off that way, but once i woke up it began a sharp improvement. mostly, i think this is because it was a good food day. a comfort food day:
for lunch i had macaroni and cheese for grownups– complete with spinach, jalapeños, onions, and plenty of garlic– thanks to natalie, who can do anything with cheese and a saucepan. on new year’s eve she introduced me to her alfredo sauce. angels have sighed over cruder stuff.
for dinner, i made a decent chicken and red pepper stir-fry with couscous– mixing my eastern with my middle-eastern– but, to my surprise, the show-stealer was the stir-fried cabbage with hot sauce. the tang of the tabasco, the salt of the soy sauce, and the mild sweetness of the cabbage were just perfect together, in a completely unexpected way. i can’t take credit for the recipe, and i’m sad to say that i had to bastardize it a little (sambal oelek not being readily available, i substituted good old-fashioned tabasco)– but it turned out well, and my mother pronounced it her new favorite way to eat cabbage. (my dad, who’s sensitive to spicy foods, would probably prefer his boiled and buttered… perhaps mom will just have to dress hers with hot sauce at the table.)
tonight, i aim low. all i want is a better night’s sleep, free of anxiety- and heartbreak- and tabasco-induced-nightmares.