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Archive for July, 2009

realizations, of late:

glaciosity is stupid.  ben harper should stop stealing kisses and find himself a girl whose kisses are freely given.

most of the time singlehood is fine, but i just spilled ice cream on my thigh.  what a complete waste of that moment.

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i have had two conversations in the last few days that have made me a better thinker, a better citizen, and i hope a better person.

things i have brought away from them:

  1. we form a lot of ill-considered opinions, and even if we are still convinced that we are right, it doesn’t mean there is nothing left to learn.  i had decided i was pro-choice before i knew what it meant.  learning doesn’t always change our opinions, but some, much of it should precede forming opinions.
  2. not only are we eager to form ill-considered opinions, but the people who educate and raise us stand to benefit from never challenging us to reconsider our beliefs.
  3. background matters maybe more than anything else.
  4. something i already knew: people enter into conversations and disputes much of the time to teach themselves how to defend what they already believe.  it makes better debaters of us all.
  5. humility is, in addition to being an admirable virtue, a crucial component in persuasion, even when all you can persuade a person to do is listen.
  6. people argue for things they don’t really believe all the time.  consider yourself fortunate if you are lucky enough to disagree with someone who is sincere.

there’s bound to be more, but this was what seemed most urgent.

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today i had a happy tryst with milo down by the pond.  this would more exciting if milo were not my ipod, but it was pretty exciting nevertheless.

i paid twenty-five cents to light a little white candle…

i sat and sang and dipped my feet and watched the ducks dive deep, watched dozens of almost grown bullfrogs skim the surface under tangles of branches at the water’s edge, looked on while a circle of girls shared a loaf of bread and a pint of strawberries and a bottle of rosé.  lived vicariously through a dear friend who shares the same longings and doubts that i do.

i am a writer, writer of fictions,
i am the heart that you call home…

milo sang about valerie plame and leslie anne levine and told cautionary tales of mothers and county linemen and crooked uncles gutshot running gin.  i must say, i had missed that.

on the old left bank, my baby in a charabanc
riding up the width and length of the champs-élysées…

i accrued enough vitamin d and ultraviolet light to last me for the next few weeks.  and i beg to differ, naysayers.  raccoon face is extraordinarily attractive.

come join the youth and beauty brigade…

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8:12, a.m., EDT

sometimes dreams are a pale reflection of actual emotions.  and sometimes it seems that life is the shadow and that everything imagined is just too powerful, too threatening, and somehow more real.

peeling paint, scuffed floors.  dim lights still somehow too bright, empty lockers.  a bed.  a bed?

wild accusations flew.  a young, serious man with dark hair was terribly embarrassed to overhear. a young woman named julia sat quietly, diplomatically.

i suppose someone had to be quiet and diplomatic.

it was unwise, unfair, humiliating to press this clash into the faces of onlookers.  some moments need to be spent alone.

at 8:13 when i awoke, it was tempting to close the gap, however briefly.  to reject boundaries of time and space and just listen for a moment.  just recover that pale shadow of reality.

i ached for it.

__

but it would be unwise, unfair, humiliating.

and some moments need to be spent alone.

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mannequins bear themselves with an effortless insouciance that i can’t muster on my best day.

i had an unnerving near-encounter yesterday with a young man i didn’t know at all, had never laid eyes on, but the sight of him just sent a fish hook into my chest.

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