Archive for June, 2010

someone i care very much about told me something that surprised me the other day.  she said she was impressed by my independence, my resilience.  she admired it.

i wasn’t sure how to feel, because as flattered as i was, and as much as i think those things tend to be true, and are certainly more true than they once were — i am frustrated by myself when i find that they are less true than i think.

sometimes i am still so angry i can’t breathe.  sometimes i’m still sad.

as it turns out, i am better than i thought at putting up a good front.

i like to tell myself how much better i am now and how much i’ve grown and all that bullshit, but i wonder if it’s all circumstantial.  have i really changed, or am i just taking a break?  am i just reaping the temporary benefits of fortunate circumstances?


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adrift, sails asunder,
shunning the undertow
turgid winds blow

wash ashore,
limp and sun-sated,

still air restrains
til stiff  breeze fills sails.
cast off at last.

an island close by,
i style myself a denizen
and settle in.

i’ll call it home until there’s a better word for it.

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i’d like to concede first everything i wrote last time.  cherries, friends.  a big bowl.  stems and seeds, periodically, but a big bowl of sweet, delicious cherries.  that’s how i am.


sometimes i become paralyzed by whatever’s in front of me.  that is where things are right now.  it is awfully foolish.

i was thinking today about a chapter of my life i’m not especially proud of, wherein i gave a lot of myself up, and changed a bit, and learned next to nothing — at least, not until after it had passed.  one of the great loves of my life and i had written a list of rules on a napkin at a diner.  i thought i was being good, but i was breaking them methodically and systematically, and i had no idea.

i’ve learned how to stop breaking those rules, but i never quite learned the lessons.

i feel a little emotionally stunted, by the way.  as if there are things i just never got around to understanding.  i’m starting to learn them, but heavens to betsy, it is a trying process.  it seems things are not quite as straightforward as i might have hoped, or expected.  or wanted.  so this remains the ongoing tale of my adjustment to some new truths.

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