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Archive for September, 2010

test

i’ve been teetering like a top on the brink of falling for a while now, which is rather exhausting and i’m a bit tired of it, i confess.  now it feels like things are steady for a moment: spinning, spinning, spinning just as they should.

the next half year will bring a lot of bumps, this i know.  i don’t really think i can do any more to prepare for them than i already have, which is mostly frightening.  it is the tiniest bit exhilarating, like when you sit down to take a test and you know you’ve learned everything you’re going to learn, and now you have to trust yourself.

i don’t have long left to study.

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i learned something lately about someone i have known for many years and care very much about.  someone prominent in my life’s history, who shaped me in profound ways.  someone without whom i would have unfolded as an entirely different person.

it was disrupting news, but not necessarily bad news.  and i have to confess, it forced me to reevaluate my ideas, my expectations, even in some ways my image of this person.  it was news that violated my assumptions.

and i was a bit surprised at my own, well, surprise, since this situation itself is not entirely surprising.  i’m curious to hear more from this old friend, to learn about what’s going on — but also to see if i am alone in my unwarranted astonishment.

it reminds me as well how flexible our lives are, the million different places we could end up if we followed different arrows.  this → that.  but there are a million → and they all lead in different places.

the devil’s in the details, and in the →s.

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yesterday i mulled over how volatile my emotions have been this week.  i was unnerved by my own ability to veer wildly from feeling to feeling.

in the last thirty hours, it has only gotten worse.  my mind is laying down successive strata of mid-grade anxiety — all for good reasons — and now they’re accruing into full-blown… something.  i feel trapped, smothered, panicked, as if these strata are layers of concrete and i am underneath them.  and panic brings with it a peculiar set of reactions.  i have been furious, disconsolate.  i’ve fallen into fits of laughter.  to tell the truth, i seem a bit mad.

what i think i need — any combination will do, but the last item is mandatory:

  • a mug of hot cider
  • a football game
  • knitting
  • help
  • grilled cheese
  • a trip to montague
  • lots of hugs
  • a break.

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people should be beating down my doors to move into this gorgeous apartment.  i am so lucky.

so where the hell is everyone and why am i on the hook for this month’s rent all by my lonesome?

DAMN.

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