and if we don’t hide here, they’re going to find us
and if we don’t hide now, they’re going to catch us when we sleep
i have changed enough in the past couple years that i can look at my past self with a devastating sense of dramatic irony. in the syndrome of my self, a few symptoms appear chronic.
item 1. i am indecisive.
item 2. i am too trusting.
item 3. i am afraid of everything.
where is the rationale? where is the youthful trauma that conditioned these behaviors? as a child i was sanguine and brave. i thought i’d made great strides in the last few years, but maybe i’m just rearranging myself so that the worse pieces stay hidden behind the ones that are steadier.
a depressing realization: just as i can look at my past actions with greater wisdom, i can recognize my own present-day folly, too. i have the capacity to realize when i’m making the wrong decision. just not the will to turn around and make the right one.