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Posts Tagged ‘nagging uncertainty’

and if we don’t hide here, they’re going to find us
and if we don’t hide now, they’re going to catch us when we sleep

i have changed enough in the past couple years that i can look at my past self with a devastating sense of dramatic irony.  in the syndrome of my self, a few symptoms appear chronic.

item 1. i am indecisive.
item 2. i am too trusting.
item 3. i am afraid of everything.

where is the rationale? where is the youthful trauma that conditioned these behaviors? as a child i was sanguine and brave.  i thought i’d made great strides in the last few years, but maybe i’m just rearranging myself so that the worse pieces stay hidden behind the ones that are steadier.

a depressing realization: just as i can look at my past actions with greater wisdom, i can recognize my own present-day folly, too.  i have the capacity to realize when i’m making the wrong decision.  just not the will to turn around and make the right one.

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there are gaps in our respective and mutual understanding, and the purpose of all communication is to bridge them. but it’s an unforgiving job.

sometimes we perceive gaps when they don’t exist, and so we behave as if they do. but sometimes the gap is larger than you realize and you can’t bridge it yourself. it makes you wonder if this business of communication, this relational drudgery, is just a lost cause.

persuasion is a mode i enjoy. but when the task seems sisyphean, the barriers unrelenting, the payoff seems hardly worth the effort.

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i’m getting out of this city for a little while.  not long, just enough to get quick tastes of a place i know i love and a couple of places i think i will.  i’m two days beyond an out-of-control week, and just can’t get it through my head that something i’ve waited long for is really happening.

it’s a restrained kind of freedom, though, because of course i’ll come back to all the same routines and responsibilities.  it’s just a breather.  and i love my life, i do.  but sometimes i find it tempting: the idea of just completely running away.  i’m not good at abandoning things — i maintain connections long and deep and for god’s sake, it’s my vacation and i’ve already checked my work email four times.  i wish i knew how to let go.

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someone i care very much about told me something that surprised me the other day.  she said she was impressed by my independence, my resilience.  she admired it.

i wasn’t sure how to feel, because as flattered as i was, and as much as i think those things tend to be true, and are certainly more true than they once were — i am frustrated by myself when i find that they are less true than i think.

sometimes i am still so angry i can’t breathe.  sometimes i’m still sad.

as it turns out, i am better than i thought at putting up a good front.

i like to tell myself how much better i am now and how much i’ve grown and all that bullshit, but i wonder if it’s all circumstantial.  have i really changed, or am i just taking a break?  am i just reaping the temporary benefits of fortunate circumstances?

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i’d like to concede first everything i wrote last time.  cherries, friends.  a big bowl.  stems and seeds, periodically, but a big bowl of sweet, delicious cherries.  that’s how i am.

but.

sometimes i become paralyzed by whatever’s in front of me.  that is where things are right now.  it is awfully foolish.

i was thinking today about a chapter of my life i’m not especially proud of, wherein i gave a lot of myself up, and changed a bit, and learned next to nothing — at least, not until after it had passed.  one of the great loves of my life and i had written a list of rules on a napkin at a diner.  i thought i was being good, but i was breaking them methodically and systematically, and i had no idea.

i’ve learned how to stop breaking those rules, but i never quite learned the lessons.

i feel a little emotionally stunted, by the way.  as if there are things i just never got around to understanding.  i’m starting to learn them, but heavens to betsy, it is a trying process.  it seems things are not quite as straightforward as i might have hoped, or expected.  or wanted.  so this remains the ongoing tale of my adjustment to some new truths.

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for an otherwise reliable person, i can be awfully unpredictable.   a drizzly afternoon, a ray of sunshine.  they’re like death and birth to me.

one sip from the cup of human kindness, and i’m shitfaced.

just laid to waste.

every time there’s the slightest change, i’m convinced it represents a new status quo.  this is pretty human, but it’s a trait i find irritating in others.  i’d like to think i know myself well enough to not only recognize it as a shortcoming, but to rationalize my way out of it.  that does not seem to be the case.

dammit, i’m no good at talking myself out of things.

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a dear friend of mine recently made a major life change, and while things aren’t turning out quite as she planned, and in some ways i think she finds herself a little disappointed, she mentioned that she finds it necessary to remind herself of the elements of her new life that make her happy.

i don’t feel disappointed, but i have found that things aren’t quite unfolding the way i expected them to.  in some ways that’s wonderful, and in other ways it’s a little worrisome — sometimes it’s a lot worrisome.

in the meantime, i’m just going to remember that the sunlight is beautiful when it comes in through our windows.  that i have a whole lot of loved ones within easy reach.  that buying a skein of yarn or a bunch of fresh basil fills me with utter joy.  that the kids on my little street seem so joyful when they’re riding up and down on their bikes.  that thanksgiving and christmas are right around the corner.  that i am so fortunate to be in relatively OK financial shape, for the time being.  that there’s nothing to compare to how a batch of cookies smells when it comes out of the oven.  that the throw pillows on our sofa are so comfy.

i’ve got a lot to be happy about.

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